Ephiny, I Am Your Father
by Alex Ryzlin Gold
Summary: The merry band meets Xena and co. Complete Crack! and femslashy.


**Name:** Ephiny, I Am Your Father

**Author:** Alex Gold (Ryzlin)

**Fandom:** Legend of the Seeker/Xena: Warrior Princess

**Pairing****s: **Cara/Kahlan, Xena/Gabrielle, Shota/Nicci

**Rating:** Mature, for rude words

**Warnings: **A bit of Richard bashing/Richard being a complete tool. Mentions of Zedd having had sex (ewwww).

**Summery:** The merry band meets Xena and co.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own. What a shame.

**Authors note:** Sooooo! It's crack… yeah. Turns out that holidays doesn't mean more time to write, rather more time to learn/do assignments/study.

There had been too many of them. There was no way the merry band would be able to defeat the banelings by themselves. Richard knew he would die, and thought it slightly sad that a baneling would kill him. Not the Keeper, not Darken Rahl, but a baneling. The sword the baneling held came down, and Richard knew he wouldn't be able to avoid it. His pwnsome jumping around wouldn't save him this time, and the rest of the merry band were too far away to pull off another miracle and save his butt; yet again.

But the sword that seemed fated to end Richard's life never continued its descent. He looked up at the bloody short sword that had ruptured though the banelings chest. The baneling was tossed aside to reveal Richard's raven-haired savior. She held out a hand and pulled Richard to his feet before swinging around and lopping the head off another baneling. He scooped the Sword of Truth off the ground and continued the fight. With the new warrior and her two companion's helping to fight the banelings didn't stand a chance. They were defeated in minutes.

Richard turned to the three women who had helped them.

"Thanks. We needed the help."

There was a snort behind him and the muttered words '_You_ needed the help' from Cara, and a gentle shushing noise from Kahlan. Zedd had already started to burn the banelings bodies with wizard's fire.

One of the raven-haired warrior's companions, a small red-blonde haired woman, stepped forward and held out a hand to shake.

"No problem. It's what we do. I'm Gabrielle, and this is Xena and Ephiny." She pointed to the woman who had saved Richard and the third woman.

Xena was dressed in hardened leather armor. Gabrielle and Ephiny wore similar brown leather halters and short skirts decorated with feathers.

Richard shook Gabrielle's hand before introducing the merry band.

"I'm Richard, this is my grandfather Zedd, and this is Kahlan and Cara."

"Well met, Seeker."

Richard grinned, proud that Xena knew who he was. Gabrielle just about started jumping up and down.

"He's the Seeker? Really?"

Xena smiled affectionately at her. "Yes, he is."

Gabrielle turned to Kahlan and her grin (much to everyone's disbelief) widened.

"You must be the Mother Confessor then! Xena and I traveled to Aydindril to see you, but you weren't there. Not that I'm complaining or anything, since you were saving the world and everything, which is important."

"Why were you looking for Kahlan? Is there something we can help you with?"

Richard could almost feel Cara rolling her eyes, but missed Ephiny rolling hers. He loved a good damsel in distress adventure, and Gabrielle certainly looked the part of a damsel. Maybe he could get to know Xena better along the way. He was still deeply, madly in love with Kahlan, but if the noises he heard (what could be heard over Zedd's snores) at night when Kahlan and Cara sneaked off were any indication; there was obviously no room left for him in her heart. Not that he listened. He'd never listen. Of course not. Cara would probably do something scary to him if she found out that he listened.

"Oh, we're not in any trouble. It was more a matter of politeness."

Kahlan frowned and took a step forward. "Politeness?"

"May I introduce," Ephiny drawled. "Queen Gabrielle of the Amazons."

"Queen of the Amazons? I've never heard of these Amazons."

Cara smirked and slapped Richard on the back. "That's because you have a penis. The amazons are a race of warrior women. Only women. Men aren't often allowed on their land."

"I mean no offense Gabrielle, but you certainly don't look like an amazon. Generally, they're more…" Kahlan waved a hand.

"Muscular. Taller. Well armed. Wilder. Raunchier."

"Cara you can stop now."

Gabrielle blushed faintly. "Princess Tarreis gave me her right of cast as she lay dying. When Queen Melosa died, I became queen."

"And Amazonia hasn't been the same since."

Gabrielle mock glared at Ephiny. "Hey!"

"I never said it was a _bad_ thing. Just different."

Xena watched the two banter with a small smile on her face.

Zedd spoke up. "I don't know about everyone else, but I'm hungry and it will be dark soon. Maybe we should set up camp with our new friends."

xxxxx

Ephiny and Cara had left the setting up of the camp to the others and headed off to hunt.

"You're making so much noise I'm surprised you ever catch anything."

Cara scowled. "You're the one talking."

"I'm an amazon."

"So?"

Ephiny drew an arrow, nocked it and aimed. She let loose, and hit her target.

"So, beat that."

xxxxx

A candle mark later, camp was set up, and Gabrielle had started to prepare to cook.

"Should you be doing that? Cara and Ephiny aren't back yet." Richard questioned.

Gabrielle smiled. "They'll be back shortly. Ephiny knows to be back after a candle mark."

"Even if she's competing against a Mord-Sith?"

Ephiny and Cara broke through the woods and into the clearing the camp was set up in. Ephiny handed six skinned rabbits to Gabrielle.

"Yes, Kahlan, even then."

Gabrielle started cooking the rabbits, stubbornly refusing help from anyone.

"So, where are you headed?" Richard directed the question to Xena.

Ephiny had already seated herself next to Cara, the two of them sharpening their (or in Cara's case, Kahlan's) blades.

"We are headed to Amazonia for a celebration."

"What sort of celebration?"

Xena's eyes flicked to Gabrielle quickly. "I can't tell you without the Queen's permission."

Richard looked imploringly at Gabrielle. She chuckled.

"Sorry, Richard. It's an amazon thing. I can technically tell whoever I want, but it's considered bad form. Besides, you're well…"

Cara cut in. "You have a penis."

xxxxx

Richard was pleasantly surprised to learn that both groups were headed in the same direction. It would mean more time getting to know Xena, Gabrielle and Ephiny. Though Ephiny did seem rather stand offish. She became even more sullen, refusing to talk to either Zedd or Richard the closer they got to Amazonia. Richard found out a week later that it wasn't Amazonia that made Ephiny sullen, but a place on the way to Amazonia.

"Can't we go around the Rang'Shada Mountains? Please?"

Xena shook her head. "It would add an extra week to our journey."

Ephiny turned to Gabrielle. At Gabrielle's negative response, Ephiny huffed, but acknowledged her Queen's decision.

xxxxx

"Hey, Kahlan."

Kahlan smiled at Richard trotted up to walk beside Cara and herself.

"Yes, Richard?"

"I was wondering if you, uh, knew if Xena had anyone waiting at home for her. Like a young man or something?"

Kahlan blinked. "She hasn't got a home. She just travels with Gabrielle."

"So there's no one?"

"I'm not completely certain, but I think there might be something between Xena and Gabrielle."

"Oh." Richard looked crestfallen. He moved back to walk with Zedd.

"You're not sure?" Cara snorted. "You mean after all the sex you've heard them have, you're still not sure?"

xxxxx

"If we don't go too near Agaden Reach, Shota shouldn't have cause to come find us."

Ephiny muttered and rolled her eyes at Zedd.

"Pardon?"

"I said, I wouldn't bet on that. Can we go now?"

Ephiny trudged on in silence, Glaring at anyone who even thought about talking. It took three candle marks for Shota to appear.

Zedd gasped as if he truly hadn't expected her to find them. "Shota!"

Shota raised an eyebrow. "Zeddicus." She turned to the rest of the group of travelers.

"I thought you said you were never coming back as along as I was alive."

"What are you talking about Shota?"

Shota stared at Richard for a moment before answering. "You may be the seeker, but the world does not always revolve around you, Richard. I was talking to Ephiny."

Ephiny glowered. "I wouldn't be here if my Queen hadn't ordered it."

"Oh, you're still with those amazons."

"Yes! I'm still with those amazons!"

"I'll never understand why you left in the first place." Shota sighed.

"You wouldn't understand."

"Understand what? That you're a lesbian? I knew that when you were five. And then you ran off to the _amazons_. It wasn't very subtle. It's not like I'd be prejudice, that'd be hypocritical."

"Um… I hate to interrupt." Richard said slowly. "But how do you two know each other."

"Ephiny is my daughter."

"What do you mean by hypocritical?" Ephiny snapped.

Zedd's eyes widened. "How old is she?"

Shota snorted. "She's not yours Zeddicus."

"What do you mean by hypocritical? And please tell me you didn't sleep with him." Ephiny jabbed her thumb at Zedd. "That's just gross."

Shota waved a hand at a tree, and everyone looked at it. After a moment a woman faded into view. She walked towards them and stopped beside Shota.

"Nicci is your 'father'."

Richard frowned. "How is that even possible?"

How do you think?" Cara rolled her eyes. "Powerful magic, of course. It's always powerful magic."


End file.
